Countryisms
by ZareEraz
Summary: Crack fic! All the countries are silly and weird and get into fight a lot and this is a collections of some of their adventures!


A/N: ZareEraz here! I was inspired by those wonderful people on Tumblr to write their funny country exchanges into Hetalia stories so if you just look up "Tumblr on countries" you'll find most of what I was parodying. I hope you enjoy this crack and don't forget to review! Happy reading! :3

Countryisms

Punny

"Hey! Hey Germany!" Italy enthusiastically came running up to the more subdued country, a huge smile on his face.

"Vhat is it now?" The blonde man asked, sighing and turning to his ally.

"Germany! Come see my tower!" Italy glomped onto the country and started pulling him away down the sunlight street.

"Your towver?"

"Come on! It'll be fun!"

"I don't know about zhat. Your definition of fun und mine are vastly different." But per zee norm, Germany let himself be dragged avay by zee enthuziastic country.

"See!?" Italy asked once they were standing in front of one of his most recognizable architectural structures. "Isn't it great?" He asked, a huge smiled on his face. Germany tipped his head sideways, trying to see what the Tower of Pisa would look like if it stood straight.

"You do realize zhat it is leaning, ja?" He finally replied, wondering if za ozer country was avare of zhat fact.

"Yeah, well, Romano and I kind of messed up on the blueprints when we made it and there wasa lot of cursing and hitting and wailing because of it – because Romano is a scary dick – but it's okay since its in Italy!" Italy happily replied.

"Okaaay…and vhy is zhat?" Germany hated to ask but he vas curious.

"Because it's italicized." There was a moment of silence.

"Vhat" Germany asked in a complete deadpan, horrified at the thought of Italy actually pulling off a good pun.

"Italicized!" Italy's smile grew bigger. "Get it?" He was laughing now but Germany couldn't handle him being clever and scooted away slowly. "What's wrong, Germany?"

"Shut up."

Power Up

"Let me put a kettle on for our tea." Britain said, standing up and excusing himself from his guest for a moment.

"Yes, prease." Japan nodded in thanks as the country walked out of the parlor. Suddenry, a few minutes rater, the rights in the room grew stronger for a moment and flickered, scaring Japan into thinking that the power was going to go out.

"Mr. Britain! Mr. Britain!" The soft spoken country called, his eyes wide in confusion and shock.

"What is it?" Britain popped his head out of the kitchen, finishing making the pot of tea.

"Your rights just frickered and did some weird crap!"

"Oh, that? We have to boost the power at a certain time to cope with everyone putting the kettle on for a cup of tea." Britain explained.

"You are joking, right?" Japan asked, stirr not beriving that so many peopre needed so much power at the same time. He whipped out his laptop and opened a new tap as fast a possibre. "Oh my god, zer is even a Wiki page on it!"

"Welcome to Britain." Britain said, sipping his cup of tea.

Drink Preferences

"DUUUUUDEEEEEE!" America came flying around the corner and slid down the hallway epically and almost ran straight into Russia (which was is target, he might add). "RUSSSSIIIAAAA!"

"Vhat you want, America?" The taller, much calmer man said, holding out his hand and catching da younger country's face in his grip before he ran into his bulk.

"I just had the CRAZIEST thought, yo! Hear me out!" America pried his face out of Russia' grip and struck some pretty impressive poses (in his opinon).

"Vhat is it?" Russia asked, slightly intrigued, but mostly just amused by da country's hyperactive nature. It was laugh fun to watch.

"So I was just thinking how CRAZY it is that we have to drink a clear, liquid substance to survive and I was like – 'What the hell?! That's soooooo CRAZY!' Don't you think so too, bro?!"

"You mean vodka?" The sweet-faced country asked.

"Yeah…" America gave the other country a wary look, wondering if Russia even drank water. "Vodka…" A moment passed in silence, both countries just looking at each other. And then America hit on another BRILLIANT idea. "Or Sprite!" And then his stomach grumbled, signally that he hadn't had his 2:30 feeding yet. "DUUUUUUDDDEEEE! Wanna get some lunch? I'm starving bro!"

"No tanks." Russia replied, turning and starting to walk away down the hall, his scarf tailing behind him in the air. "I have much more fun planning to crush your stupid face."

"Whaaaatttt?" America said, his voice several octaves higher than his normal voice. He shrugged and walked away in the opposite direction, not pickin' up what Russia was puttin' down. "Whatever, man. I'm getting' a burger."

The Art of Language

France, Italy, Germany, Britain, America and Japan were all hanging out at Italy's place for a little party when Italy accidently took France's chair.

"'Ey! Zhat's ma chaise." Zee flamboyant and beau country said, pointing to za chair that Italy vas currently sitting on.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" The happy country replied. "I thought questa sedia was empty!" Italy stood up and went to find another seat when he realized something. "Hey! You're chair's feminine too, big brother France!"

"Vhy, yes, it is." France smiled, flipping his flowing blonde locks. "Vee doo 'ave common roots in our languages."

"Germany does too! A little bit right?" Italy flipped around to ask his friend sitting next to America.

"Ja." The clam country replied. "But in Sherman, za chair is masculine: der stuhl. So it's a little different."

"This chair is a fucking object, dudes." America interrupted, his voice at his normal volume of ear-splitting. "I don't see a skirt or a pair of pants anywhere on it! You people are insane! Ahaha!"

"I have to agree with America, as loath as I am too." Britain said, folding his arms and giving his little brother a stern look. "And if there was a skirt on that thing I think France would probably f*ck-"

"Britain, shut your face!" France snapped, knowing exactly where the conversation was going. "Joost, because I like to 'ave sex doesn't mean I'd 'ave sex withs a f*cking chair!"

"You know," Japan piped up softly, "if you don't pronounce chair exactry right, you end up saying testicres instead." Effectively killing all conversation at that point as the other countries stared at him in horror.

Windows to the Soul

"DUUUUUDDDEEE! Why don't your windows have any screens in them?!" America said, sticking his head out of Britain's front parlor window, his arms flailing around in his bomber jacket. "You can just sneak right out of these things but all sorts of bees, bugs, birds and demons and shit can just flying into your room!"

"I don't know where you got the demon part of that sentence but we deal with stuff that comes through the windows like a man, not like you wimps." Britain replied, folding his arms and rolling his eyes at his younger brother. America shut up for a second and gave the blonde country a funny look. "What?" Britain asked, peeved at his mood swings.

"This is why you guys had the Black Plague."

Tea Time

"Briwtain, what's wrong?" France asked, wondering vhy 'is eternal rival was so down in zee dumps. Britain sighed and shucked off his redcoat and put down his gun, sighing again.

"I can't sleep because I don't have my nightly cup of tea." He moodily grumped. "I sleep better after I drink it."

"Ron, ron, ron! You can't go to bed wizout a cup of tea!" France teased, getting much more lively now that 'e knew zhat Britain was suffering and did a little danse. "Because America sthew it into za sea! Ron, ron, ron!"

"Shut up, you frog!" Britain then proceeded to pistol whip that annoyance back onto his own turf.

Do You Have a Flag?

"Hey, America." Britain asked, sitting across the table from his younger brother.

"'Sup, dude?" America replied, biting into one of his always-present burgers.

"Imagine if China got to the moon and while he was up there, he decided to knock down your flag or whatever just to say 'screw you' or something, would you stupidly spend millions and millions of dollars to fly a space shuttle back up to the moon and re-erect the flag?"

"Why do you ask, man?" America questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm just wondering if you're that petty."

"Dude, I'm one hundred percent sure that I would do exactly that because China would deserve some smack down after that!"

"Oh, god." Britain's face paled. "You totally would."

"Daaammmmnnn skippy!"

By Degrees

"'Ey, America." France walked up to the younger country and tapped him on the shoulder.

"'Sup, France?"

"Why can't you joost use Celsius wen measuring degrees? I'm having a 'ard time looking at zee weat'er."

"Do you mean degrees of FREEDOM?" America shot back, flashing some peace signs as a guitar riffed in the background. "Tomorrow's forecast: seventy degrees Freedom and cloudy with a chance of eagles, bitches!"

"I don't know vhy I ask." France face palmed as his ally air guitar-ed and was generally difficult to deal with.

Tea Time Again

"America, please explain this to me…" Britain ghosted up to the country, this face a mask of pale horror.

"Sure, dude. What's up?" America asked, looking at the advertisement that the older country was holding. "It's an ad for Mickey D's. Forty piece nuggets – which is awesome! – and a gallon of tea. What's the big deal?"

"Not withstanding the obesity epidemic you're going to endure, why is your tea liquidized?" Britain managed to get out despite his horror.

"I don't see the problem." America replied, raising an eyebrow at his older brother. "It's tea."

"Tea is supposed to be in a bag and you make it YOURSELF!" The horror finally snapped into anger and Britain kinda lost it at America. "What do you do with already liquid tea!? Do you microwave it?!"

"Dude, its sweet tea! You drink it cold."

"WHO DRINKS COLD TEA?! OUTRAGE!"

"You drank cold tea when I dumped it in the ocean, ahaha!" America sniggered.

"Don't bring that up again." Britain threatened, his eyes turning murderous.

"Sweet tea?" America said, holding up a glass of tea with ice and a lemon in it.

"No thanks. You keep your shit and I'm going to make REAL tea." Britain stalked off, the ad fluttering down to the floor in his wake.

Expansion

"You know, I just had a thought." China said, interrupting one of the Allies' meetings as Britain and France were going at it again and America was laughing his butt off while Russia watched quietly smiling a smile of death.

"What is it?" Britain and France asked at the same time, halting their choking of each other to listen.

"If Britain and France joined forces against the America, then the whole circle would complete." China explained as if he was talking to tiny children (and he was).

"NOW WAY IN HELL WOULD I EVER TEAM UP WITH HIS SNAIL-LOVING GIT!" Britain screamed.

"I WOULD NEVER DO ZAT EITZER! I CAN'T STAND ZAT TEA-LOVING HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A CHEF!" France retorted.

"Dude," America interrupted, leaning back in his chair with his hands behind his head. "I wouldn't mind two more states."

"Why don't you just go get Alaska and Hawaii?!" Britain snapped, peeved and insulted by everyone except Russia.

"Sure, dude. But I'll be back! Ahaha!"

Pros

"Hey, Switzerland, I have a question." Germany said, walking up to his neighbor.

"What is it?" Switzerland stopped walking to answer the question and then go home. He wasn't much into interacting with a lot of people a lot of the time.

"Vhat is ze best thing about living in your country?" Germany asked, genuinely curious as to vhy all za people vanted zhere money zhere und ozer sings like zhat.

"Well, the flag is a plus." He replied. He didn't get and immediate response.

"Did you just…" Germany started.

"Bye now." And Switzerland went home.

In Name Only

"Dude, its Iceland…where's the ice!?" America exclaimed, looking around at all the green he expected to be ice.

"In Greenland." Britain replied, shrugging. "I'm still under the impression that one day Iceland and Greenland sat down at a meeting that started with, 'You know what'll piss people off…' But that's just me." Just then, a young man with light hair and a shorter woman with dark hair walked up to the brothers.

"That's actually not too far off from what actually happened." Greenland replied, in her sweet voice.

"But please don't tell anyone." Iceland asking, knowing that the Nordic countries would give him crap for it.

"I can't handle you guys right now." Britain sighed.

"Awesome!" America gushed, loving finding his kind of people.

Birds of a Feather…

"Hey, Germany!" Italy ran up to his friend and clobbered him with a friendly hug.

"Ja, vhat is it?" The stern country asked, prying Italy off his torso.

"Which country has the most birds?"

"Well, zhat was random." Germany sweatdropped, but he did give it some snerious thought. "Portu _geese_." It took Italy a moment but he got the joke and started laughing but then Germany interrupted him. "Vait. Zhat is a language…Portu _gull_." And then Italy started laughing again. It was at that moment that Japan walked up, having heard their conversation.

"Nice recovery." He nodded, admiring Germany's cleverness.

"Don't you mean 'nice redovery.'" Germany shot back.

"Oh, I get it. Haha." Japan replied, chuckling softly. Italy was on the floor, rolling around and laughing at the same time. But then he stopped suddenly and said up and all serious.

"Turkey! How did we forget Turkey!" He exclaimed, and then proceeded to crumble into giggles again as his allies chuckled with him.

A/N: And there you go! I just love these guys (and gals)! Hope you enjoyed that! See you all later!


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